Resolutions are Overrated

Tonight, I wonder about my could have beens...

All in all I always have the same conclusion...

My life would have been different,

if only I knew the right words to say.

This 2012 I promise to have lesser could have beens.

I SWEAR ON IT.

Merry Christmas

D,

I am most curious, of how things will be like

if come next year,

I am spending Christmas with you.

I feel giddy just by thinking about it. :)

I hope you had fun and you enjoyed this day. Merry Christmas Hae Oppa. Always be happy. <3

B

Let It Be Me

Whatever Happened To Believing

D,

There was one point in my life when I honestly believe that all my dreams,

no matter how big or how small,

will come true.

But slowly I am faced to reality,

and I can't help but think that I'm not meant to live my dreams.

Will you even find me?

B

Invisible

D,

Do you ever had that moment, when you realize everybody else is moving

but there you are at a distance,

watching them closely

wondering when will it ever be your turn?

I had. I always have that moment. It's as if my whole world just stopped spinning halfway. I am not moving unlike others. I am stuck. And I don't know quite yet how to move again. I think I'm starting to disappear.

Find me,

B

EVERYTHING THAT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU

D,

Do you think I'll ever find someone meant for me?

Today I learned that my crush already has a girlfriend. I look at my journal only to see that about ten pages of it were of him. And it just hurts to know that he now belongs to someone else.

Do you know how that feels? Well, I do.

If it's going to be like that to every guy I like do you think I will ever find the right one?

Even having you is a dream. It's like someone like me, having the chances of stepping on the moon.

Hoping for a miracle,

B

Save Me

I don't want to turn off the lights, because if I do, I'm afraid I might just end up crying over you.

May The Odds Be Ever Be In My Favor

What are the odds right? :) I didn't even made that up. HAHA. So here I am, trying this application in facebook and saw this. Believe me it's not the first time I've seen it. But it's my first time to try it out. I went to your twitter account and told myself if ever you're wearing yellow, that will be a sign that someday I might see you! So I checked the two pictures you posted, from 7 hours ago and 2 hours ago, both are buffering. (internet connection is slow.haha) and then this tiny picture of you on the sides shows up and my heart just stopped beating. :D

I know that is totally delusional but it made me happy. <3 REALLY, REALLY MADE ME HAPPY. You can never imagine how happy I am.

So if ever the odds will still be in my favor, I might dream of you tonight. And if I'm lucky....

You might end up dreaming about me too. <3

Good luck on your concert Hae. <3 Now I wait for SS4 Manila. :)

However Faraway

It's cruel don't you think? That distance is tearing us apart. While for some people it is only the glass window frames that separates them, something that can make them lean closer and something that may subtly tear them apart.

12:49 AM

D,

Goodnight.

May you dream happy dreams. <3

B

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU.

I need someone. I do.

I want to hold your hand.

EVERYTHING THAT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU #8

D,

This will be a letter of a heartbreak.

I was about to type "so if you're happy, I suggest you skip through this." but I don't think you haven't found this yet. Or worst, you will never find it.

Lately, I have been so lonely. I don't know why, but it gets really harder especially at night when you realize you are not someone else's reason to wake up. I hardly ever think of that but since I'm getting old I'm having this kind of thoughts. What if no one will ever find me?

It doesn't help either that you don't know about my existence, I know it is absurd but.......

I guess some things are just hard to explain even if you consider yourself a writer.

To be honest, I really don't know why I'm sad.

Maybe because I need someone right now...

Maybe I need a hand to hold...

Maybe I need a shoulder to cry on...

Maybe I need a shoulder to lean on when I sleep...

Maybe I need a hug...

Maybe I need someone who will tell me that I'm pretty no matter what I wear...

Maybe I need someone who will tell me that he will always be there...

Maybe I need someone who will tell me he won't hurt me, even if we both know that he lies...

Maybe I need someone who will serenade me at night...

Maybe I need someone to call me everyday and yet say I miss you all the time...

Maybe I need someone...

Or maybe...

I just need you.

I don't know when will this stop. I don't have the slightest idea when the time comes that I wake up and you're just a distant memory. And the picture beside my bed will not be of you.

I know I'm old enough to believe that no matter what I will never ever have you, or even see you in person for that matter. But still, I am young enough to believe that something extraordinary might happen someday.

I want you to know that there are many times I tried to convince myself that I am living in a dream and that reality is already waking me up, but every time I see you it gets harder to open my eyes.

I know this is silly and all and that maybe this is just a phase young adults experience having deprived to live their teenage lives because of studies but I really, really do love you.

I have dreamed of you countless of times and I just couldn't help myself to stop thinking that all dreams that you dream twice will come true.

I'm getting really lonely.

PLEASE FIND ME.

B

EVERYTHING THAT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU #7

D,

We are this perfect shade of blue.

Always,

B

EVERYTHING THAT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU #6

D,

This has everything that I've been wanting to tell you. Funny how Pooh knows exactly how I feel.


Come out moon
Come out wishing star
Come out
Come out
Wherever you are

I’m out here in the dark
All alone and wide awake
Come and find me
I’m empty and I’m cold
And my heart's about to break
Come and find me

I need you to come here and find me
Cause without you I’m totally lost
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn’t done much good so far
I can only dream of you
Wherever you are

I’ll hear you laugh
I’ll see you smile
I’ll be with you just for a while
But when the morning comes
And the sun begins to rise
I will lose you

Because it’s just a dream
When I open up my eyes
I will lose you

I use to believe in forever
But forever is to good to be true
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn’t done much good so far

I don’t know what else to do
Except to try to dream of you
And wonder if you are dreaming too
Wherever you are

Wherever you are


FIND ME. It doesn't have to be now. As long as you find me.


<3,
B

EVERYTHING THAT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU #5

D,

You are there. Moving. I can hear you. I can see you clearly. I can feel your touch. In that one blissful dream you are finally mine and mine alone.

Your face. Your eyes. Staring at mine.

For one moment there you existed in my world. A world that consists of just meeting you.


Come find me,
B

EVERYTHING THAT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU #4

D,

Today is 11/11/11.

It was told that it brings good luck and if you're lucky and made a wish at 11:11 am/pm there are chances that it can come true.

I'm not going to tell you what my wish was. Because I'm afraid that if I do, it won't come true. :)


I would've given Peperro too if I were wherever you are. <3




I had a dream about you too. It's funny it seemed so real. :) The way you talk to me, it was as if I really did hear your voice.



When will I meet you?



Please find me.



Always,
B

EVERYTHING THAT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU #3

D,

People might think it's pointless to waste my time in writing this to you. But you know, they don't really matter.

At least I believe in the fact that someday, even if you will never know my existence,

there's this one girl who loved you this much. <3

I believe that you will find someone who will take care of you, and I believe that I will find someone for me too.

Always,
B

Sanctuary

I miss my college dorm room. So many memories. So many sleepless nights. So many tears, heartaches, kilig smiles and laughs. The things I hide, you cherish.

I miss how my hot shower can clear my mind off things. I love how small and convenient it is being there, especially on cold December nights, after that long day of school, you are there to warm me up with my comforter arranged neatly on my bed.

I miss you old room.




I miss you so much. <3

I NEED YOU TO STOP JUDGING MY INTERESTS!

So what if I'm obsessed with a band whose songs I don't even understand? Does that make me a lowlife bitch? Does listening to their songs and actually enjoying them make me a bad person? Does it make me a criminal of some sort?

I don't give a fuck if you see them as some "laos" artists, I love them! And whatever you're saying about them will NEVER make me love them less.

If anything else being an ELF made me a different person. I became more optimistic and believe it or not it is because of my love for them that I started to be sweet.

So what if I act like a drama queen when I see some news about their disbandment. I just recently got into liking them anyway. That's what I regret the most! Not having a life outside college that I don't even have this simple pleasures that makes me happy.

So I don't really care if you find me weird for liking Super Junior and stuff and obsessing about Donghae and blogging about him. I DON'T CARE! It's my life!

And as far as I'm concerned I'll do whatever I want to do regardless of what you judgmental people think about me.

I'm enjoying my life unlike you people,who are actually going to every tunnel just to spite people.


GET A LIFE.

It is free!

Hit and Miss

It just comes suddenly, like wind blowing your happiness away in an instant. Your heartbeat starts to slow down every minute and tears just suddenly fall down your face. You didn't know it was coming. Yet you held onto it for too long. Too long...



That you already forgot how it is to be happy.

My Journey To Nursing: School

I watched a video about someone on youtube on why she took up nursing, she's so funny that I cannot help but just nod because at some point I went through to some of the things that she experienced. If you want to watch it, her video is titled, 'Why nursing, Anna?' it's funny.

There are instances in my life when I just wake up in the morning, stare at the blank wall of my dormitory and say, "How did I end up in this mess?" Some people don't believe how the hell did I ended up taking nursing since I'm most probably happy go lucky and doesn't care about anything.

Really, I just remembered standing at the long line at SLU's library with my blank registration form. I was with my friends that time and as I was filling it up I asked my friend in front of me what's her course. "Nursing." she replied. I shrugged and wrote the same.

I took the test and then went home. A few months later I received three letters from the three schools I signed up for. I opened the one from UP Baguio, I passed my course AB Lit and Journalism. I opened the other one from UST and I also passed, Course: Accountancy. Then I opened the one from SLU and I was on the waiting list. -______-

I love literature and writing so imagine my excitement when I knew that I passed in UP Baguio. I was also pleased that I passed Accountancy in UST too, why Accountancy? I don't know either. I think back when I was in high school I love writing in those long yellow papers. And I enjoyed balancing debits and credits.

I showed my parents my results, and my mom said that I might not end up as a writer instead if I finished Lit or Journalism I may end up teaching English. (Or P.E.) Then my mom said we can't afford UST. So we went to SLU and yes I enrolled there.

Apparently students who are on the waiting list can enroll only to the AHSE Curriculum. That's what they're saying back then. So I study there for two years and be a caregiver or I finish Nursing in other schools. Okay. If that's what we can only afford then why not?

My first two years in college is hell! I cried every night because I wanted to go home. I don't want to live in dormitories and worry about who will wash the plates after I eat, much more who will cook my meals for me since I'm not a chef. Every night I cry and every night I call at home telling them how horrible college is.

And then I made friends and transferred to where my cousin is living so everything became less lonely. But that's not even half of it.

I can't understand why we have to memorize what bacteria look like. I can't understand why we have to take practical exams looking at microscopes and answering things like:

Name the bacteria seen on the slide:_________

What are the disease that this bacteria might cause: _________

As if I'm going to tell my patients, the type of bacteria that caused your disease looks like this.

I hated Microbiology with all my life and I don't see the reason why I got high grades that first semester. I was even on the dean's list. I think that brought out the competitiveness in me.

I was starting to compete and survive the quota even if I only belong on the waiting list. That's when Anatomy and Physiology came along.

I love the class really, what I hate is that heavy Tortora book I carry around with me everywhere I go!

There was also this subject called STS and we have an instructor who thinks that she is the smartest woman in the planet. She talks so fast that I don't even have notes in her class. When our final exams came, her questionnaire is point blank IDENTIFICATION. And she told us to review from the start. Who remembers her shit? I remember writing my name on spaces because I just hate seeing my test paper blank. I passed her subject.

Then came the moment of truth. Quota. We are 1,500 second year students and there will only be 500 of us who will grace to third year. I wasn't really hoping that I pass, since I was on the waiting list, but I wan't expecting that I fail either.

When my friends are already texting that they passed I knew right there and then I already failed. Because they never told me anything. Until someone texted me that I passed too. Imagine how relieved I am when I was told about it. But I wasn't really excited because I know that hell days aren't over. They are about to start.

Third year is hell.

I don't see why instructors are always insisting that I'm having a relationship with my best pal. He's gay people. -____- You can tell that he is. Unless you're that blind or you're just bored with your life that you find it interesting to meddle with someone else's.

And there's this also one instructor who talks so soft and is always making 'pa-cute' that I ended up not knowing some basic skills in nursing. Like back tapping for instance.

Like Anna, I also experienced the terror clinical instructors who wants to kill us of sleep deprivation because of NCPs and shit.

Especially those instructors who makes us recite our drugs/meds for an hour or so delaying things that can be done. Like take temperatures and stuff.

There's also this one instructor who tries so hard that she doesn't want any of us to have the same diagnosis. -______-

We are taking care of a different patient you moron. Supposed let's say that my prioritized problem is Airway Clearance and someone else copied the NANDA faster than I did, are you saying that I have to change mine to Sleep Pattern Disturbance just because someone already came up with my prioritized problem and write that on the nurse's notes?? What are you? Why did you come to our planet? Why are you breathing our precious air?

Fourth year is also hell.

I remember those days when we have our duties in La Union. Imagine yourself tired because you finished your 8 hour duty at 11PM and was able to reach your dorm at about 11:20 PM and sleep at around 12 MN and then wake up at 2 in the morning to catch the bus going back to Baguio. Arrive there at around three. Sleep and wake up at 6:30 because you have a 7:30 class with the most boring teacher in human history. MOST BORING EVER!

Luckily I survived college.

I did.

Even if there are many instances that I could have just given up, went straight home and enjoy my life as a complete no one.

But I didn't.

I finished college with flying colors. And when my graduation came it just hits me, God wanted me to become a nurse. I wanted to become a nurse too. Finally there's this one person that I wanted to become.

My pen could have ran out of ink while writing nursing as my course and while I was borrowing another pen I would've realized I want to take something else. I could've just enrolled to another school and take the entrance examination again. I might not pass the quota. There are so many things that might happen but didn't.

In the end, I became a nurse.

And I love it. (even if some patients are just asking me to fix their sink, TV, aircon and stuff.)

EVERYTHING THAT I COULD NEVER TELL YOU #2

D,

Imagine yourself being an ordinary guy who lived in a country so faraway from the things you've always loved and watched from a far. Imagine yourself checking different websites just to see if there are any instances that your longtime celebrity crush would happen to visit your country. Imagine yourself yearning to see her in person because all you ever did was watch her on youtube and if you're lucky on your local television channels. Imagine yourself writing these pointless blog entries, that you consider letters, and hoping that maybe one day she'll chance up reading your thoughts. Just so she would realize how many people loves her, even the ones she haven't met. Imagine yourself in my shoes, how I feel while writing this, did you feel it? That magical feeling you brought me even if we haven't even met yet?

I was sad seeing your last stage, I don't know why, but I felt this certain pain in my chest I feel so left out to those who knew you five years ago. If only I was open minded about songs from your genre back then.

So your birthday's coming up. 26 right? I hope you're happy and that God will continue to shower you with so much blessings. Please realize how much you're loved. Remember that your father will always be there to guide and support you no matter what. Know that he is already with God, both of them watching over you, making it sure you find your happiness.

Whenever there are times that you feel lonely and you think there's no one to talk to, look up in the sky and talk to the stars, we may not be living in the same country but at least we're sharing that one big sky. Know in your heart that there will always be people who are willing to listen to your every worries, there will always be people who will be there for you. If there's none, believe that I'm always right here. However faraway, I'm always here.

I've been saving up every penny I get just so I can visit your country. I hope by next year I'd get the chance to see you. I know this is pathetic and some might think that this is crazy but I think love works in its own ways. And I don't need to explain why I'm doing this for you. What's important is, at least I'd get the chance to know that you are real. That you are a part of the world I'm living in and not some vague figment of my dreams and imaginations.

I really hope you'd get to read this. I hope it warms your heart and I hope it will make you realize how much you are treasured.

I really, really like you.

I won't even waste my time writing this if I just enjoy your music. kkkk and I'm sorry that this isn't written in your native language. I'm only learning. Once I'm fluent at it I'll send you a letter and send it directly to your company. :D Wait for that.

Advance Happy Birthday, LDH. :)

<3,

B

If Only I Have Unlimited Money

It's a pain really, when everything you love and like presents itself to you in silver and gold wrappings and yet you can't open them because you know you cannot afford it. Maybe you can, after a million years, let's just hope they're still there.

I have this certain craziness with books, school supplies (even if I'm not going to school anymore) random things, clothes, shoes, bags and whatnots. I try them on, look at them and walk my way to the cashier only to find out that I cannot afford to buy them all. Most of the time I cannot afford to buy even just one of them.

Often I'd just want to stay home instead of going to the mall and seeing the things I cannot buy. -____-

But then, these things became my inspiration to work harder. So maybe in time, I won't hesitate to splurge a little money for my own personal guilty pleasures and happiness. Because more often than not, girls find their comfort in shopping. And I truly believe that there's nothing wrong with that, only not all girls have the budget to do so.

Plus, it doesn't hurt to allow yourself to divulge in your guilty pleasures once in a while. If you play it safe then nothing will ever make sense. You'll never take that great big leap that might change your life.

So go ahead, buy that dress that you've been eying for the last few weeks. Who knows it might be your lucky dress. Buy that shoes you've been meaning to buy all your life and let it take you to places you've never been. Because no one will know what great things might happen if only you allowed yourself to be happy.

So this blog post didn't exactly made sense, who cares, anyone who knows me knows that I often present with word salad. XD



What's important is, while reading this, you realized that it is important that you are always happy. :)


(and oh, I just spent my last paycheck with random irrelevant things that I might never use, still I felt perfectly happy. :)))

Everything That I Could Never Tell You #1

D,

I want you to know that I spent almost a year liking you. Silly right? Knowing that I only see you in the comforts of my laptop. I only hear you from my ipod. I don't even know who you really are. There were times when all I ever think about is how will I manage to see you in person. Just a mere glance like your many fans. But seeing that I can't go to wherever you are, or even if I can the chances of seeing you might be slim.

There are times when I'd buy your songs and erase them when I heard you wrote it for someone else. I really, really am silly.

There was one time when I saw your interview and you wanted someone sweet for a girlfriend. That sucked big time for me since I'm not that kind of a person. (I don't even get why I'm thinking all these since you won't even notice me because I'm not really pretty.)

See I'm writing all these silly stuff just because of that one night when you appeared in my dream and it felt so real that waking up is such a pain. Randomly, as if the heavens threw you in my dreams and managed to smile and melt away my heart. I was not even a fan of yours then.

I remember listening to your songs while sleeping and thinking that maybe you will visit in my dreams again. You did. And I guess that's just how much I can really see you. It is only in my dreams that I will be able to talk to you or just stare at each other and smile.

I wish you'd get the chance to read this. I wish I'd get the chance to mail you letters. I wish you'd get the chance to know me.

But mostly....

I wish you'd get the chance to realize, that no matter what you think of yourself, there will always be this one girl who will talk about you as if she were talking about the stars.

<3,
B

The Awkward Introduction

You see I'm not really good at introductions. Often, a jumble of incoherent thoughts run through my mind and I just can't seem to organize it hence the neolexia. Often, I just type whatever it is that comes in my mind and I just can't seem to stop them hence the word spills. This will contain mostly of my rants. My disappointments. My joys. My pain. My randomness. My fangirling. My being forever alone. My thoughts. My dreams.

If you think I'm being annoying then it is best that you close this tab and just leave. :)